cosas

Things that I don't understand:

1) Why people who live on campus drive off campus to buy beer and leave the cases in the parking lot. Literally, hundreds of them litter the blacktop of D6 after every weekend. Just put them in the recycling. No one is going to arrest you for that. Kids these days.

2) The separation of the word "another." For example, "a whole nother."

3) Why the bathrooms in DeBartolo always stink.

4) Why I can't write this paper.

CA for grad school? Northwestern? I feel I'm still a little too dumb for big kid school. What in the world am I doing with my life.

And how am I so blind. all. the. time.

Taking time for myself is both stupid and futile

OK well that's kind of a lie. I have kept running to maintain my sanity. My wimp of a shin starting killing me again so I walked the two blocks back to my house during my run this morning. I started thinking that maybe walking isn't so bad... if you're hurting. Walking is like crying. Runners don't walk, and strong people don't cry. But I guess it's OK given extenuating circumstances like these. It gives you a little opportunity to center yourself and slow down for a minute. I have so long lived by the 'never let them see you sweat' mentality. Anything that might call that to question freaks me out and disgusts me about myself.

No, I'm not the one you should be worried about. My friend is the strongest person in the world right now. This is not fair and I have lost hope in a lot of things. There's no guidebook for this shit. Me deja confundida y enojada al mismo tiempo.

Missing Marion and I'm not even gone

here are some aspects of this joke life I will so badly miss:

1) Not being in close proximity with my best friends 247
2) Clear cut expectations
3) The @nd.edu email account
4) When BOMOing is neither acceptable nor commonplace
5) La falta de responsibilidad
6) This false sense of independence
7) Being too busy to do anything any normal human would think second nature
8) The bed I found in this room
9) Having at my fingertips a wardrobe 1000% bigger than my own
10) South Bend

I have decided I want to go to graduate school the year after next. This is a big step for me— pinpointing what I want. The identification is 90 percent of the battle for me. I think it will be good this summer and this year to get some experience, be it unpaid or paid, to boost my resume before the app process. I would never get accepted anywhere right now.

I love spring in the Midwest so much because everyone appreciates it that much more.

apx

Graduation in a month and three days is like impending death. Or the apocalypse, if you will, wherein we all know it's coming but not quite sure what it brings or what comes next. Lightheartedly a-OK with it all.

I raced my friend home from the bar the other day and fell and busted my lip and knee and chipped my tooth. I awoke Saturday morning thinking, oh dear what a horrible dream. Then looked in the mirror and WOAH. very real. very hick. Thankfully Doc got the good ol' diente mended that morning as well as the lip all patched up. oops. Thankfully Mom and Dad are still riding the wave of, for whatever reason or another, being proud of me and my impending (_fill in the blank noun__) that they have not been mad. I blame it on my "competitive edge." he

oops

I am at the internship right now but thought I might update this little fella since it's been more than a month. Don't tell the editor plz. Not much is new here in the beautiful Bend besides the increasingly beautiful weather and my impending nervous breakdown. Got denied from two sweet jobs I was optimistic about and have found that my self-diagnosed ADD has truly gotten the better of me these days. I think I reached my fullest potential as a good student at age 13, nine years ago. From there I have progressively gotten more and more involved in things that interested me more than school and I have found that the true problem with college is the availability of really sweet stuff to do. I have spread myself too thin. But it's been really fun and I have learned more outside of the classroom here than inside, which I guess is a part of the whole experience, right?

((Secretly I was kind of glad I didn't an offer from either of those because now I can go on vaca with the fam in June. Maybe OBX in July. Life is tough...))

I promise to take responsibility soon. I am so thankful my parents are not pressuring me to take just anything, and my mom's constant reminder that I, too, am "an asset" is always reassuring. It's so nice to know no matter what your parents are always your biggest fans. I really am not bummed at all at the fact I get to go home for a bit and sort things out. I will have one objective: find a job. No other articles to write, poems to translate, notes to transcribe or professors to interview. Which, admittedly, makes me just a little sad, too.

miedo

I think that the reason I am so inexplicably happy right now is that I am scared to death.

Bonethugs

There is nothing insignificant here. A bis black and white tote bag from Spain. A photo of us and Nana from the Cliffs of Moher (sp.) The red and pink lantern I stole from Ellen. The purse I bought her for Christmas secretly envying for myself. The pink and orange blanket Mom and Dad bought my in Ireland. The Spanish flag. Uncle Ben's old Magnavox TV. Tradition Never Graduates poster. Half a wardrobe that is not even mine. Why did walking into this room, in which I have lived only six months, feel oddly eerie? Crossroads are exhausting me.

Why are you so special

So I got to thinking today about the concept of privileges. Essentially a very good thing. But with discussion of privilege inevitably necessitates examination of its slightly more negative counterpart — entitlement. Which, I suppose, is exactly what I and many like me feel. To everything. I feel entitled to a fat discount on my new phone because [obviously] I have been toting my [perfectly usable] Chocolate phone for more than two years and am naturally due for a new device. I feel entitled to a good education, to answers right now, to no wait, to, thanks to On Demand, exactly what I want on TV and when, to comfort, to attention, to happiness. And I get all of these things usually.

Why in the world am I entitled to any of this? I can honestly say I have always worked hard, but let's face it, this life is pretty easy. Everything has come exactly when I wanted, and if not, I make it happen. Whether that means doing it myself or having my parents help me. I need someone to slap me across the face —hard— so maybe I might understand I don't deserve anything. I should have to show up to court for that speeding ticket. Things always conveniently work themselves out for me, however. Why do I get to have an attorney, conveniently a friend of dad's and already in court that day, represent me? The stars have aligned on my behalf on basically every big occasion, and looking back, I don't think I should have been given any of it. I used to think of myself as relatively weathered and, at least, strong. Maybe I am. But I still deep down have this embarrassing feeling of deserving everything I want or think I need, and consequently of getting immaturely pissed off if I don't get it right away.

In need of another reality check.

I want to go back to Europe.

Pet peeve

I have a few that need to be noted but the one that comes to mind first is the stuffy American student/tourist who refers to back home, America, as "the States." One more syllable [u-ni-ted states] would gain you a little more cred as a legit traveler. For instance, instead of "When I get back to the States I am going to change the way I do things," try "Upon my return to the United States [or even America] I vow to sound less like an asshole."

Desnudo

In light of recent airline security mishaps, the idea of flying naked has informally and sarcastically been proposed as the safest alternative to the all-body pat down and metal detectors in airports. Joke or not, this idea, along with the liquid rule, carry-on limitations and the color coded alert system, might be just one of the smartest TSA has in fact come up with. If given the opportunity, however, I might voice a few concerns about the idea to regulators.

Pros:
Terrorists would have a tougher time hiding stuff in the crotch of their pants since, naturally, they would not be wearing pants. Ipso facto, safer skies.
Security lines would go way faster.
No pat downs necessary. (We would have all kinds of other problems if pat downs were still conducted.)

Cons:
No pockets.
Perverts.
The odor. (sry)
The frigid airline cabins would surely make for exceedingly less comfortable environments sans garments.

Whatever shall we do? I can't decide whether this country is paranoid or justified with all of this talk. Weird to think I probably won't ever fly again as much as I did last year. That Dominican Republic flight in March will be the last doozey in a while.

BREAK

Has consisted, besides being neglectful of the blog for no real reason, of the following:

1) Watching the entire 1st season of Glee
2) Morning runs, sometimes with the padres.
3) Lots of retail.
4) Service hours. Thanks NDSP

This break has been kind of like a mini reality check. Being away from all of my friends for so long really sucks, and I have started missing all the shenanigans and irresponsibility of college. And the structured part— I guess I miss that too. I am so excited to go back and be useful again. I tried to gain at least a little clarity this break and at least figure out what I want to do. Now it's even more muddled. Superb. I have enough faith in myself for some reason though, for some reason, and I know everything will all fall into place.